Last Will and Testament

Anonymous
I dunno man. Give my $$$ to whoever needs it the most. Or I guess whoever has the best lawyer. It really sucks that I'm dead now, ya know? I just kinda wish I wasn't 6 feet under, cuz Tim still owes me money. There's five bucks I'll never be able to spend. Oh yeah, and Fuck You, Cathy.

Dwight Schrute
Ahem. May I have your attention, please. This will only take a moment of your time. [takes out note and begins reading] 'Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the face of those who doubt me. It's been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon. But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall.'

In other words I'm quitting.

Bill Clinton
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Everyone Who Ever Lived
If we ever get caught for doing this, I just want to say that it was worth it. Believe me when I say that I praise the perfect human being known to mortals as Brother Gnewikow. I sincerely hope that the blood from my public execution does not stain Brother Gnewikow. I also want to say that Aristotle did a fucking shit job at detecting our keystrokes.